How to Deal With a Demotivating Manager (What I Did Instead of Quitting)

People say you don’t leave a company, you leave a manager. I understand that sentence very well now.

A few years into my career, I had a manager who was simply not supportive. Not a single encouraging word. Always demotivating. Always taking other people’s side. Slowly, I started losing my confidence, and I’m someone who is normally full of energy.

The good news: I’m not in that situation anymore. Today I have a very nice, supportive manager and I’m in a good position. But I learned a lot from that difficult time. In this post I share how I dealt with a demotivating manager, what helped me, and what I’d tell you if you’re in the same situation right now.

Signs you have a bad manager (not just a tough one)

A tough manager pushes you because they believe in you. A bad manager drains you. Here are some signs I recognise now:

• You never hear anything positive. Only what went wrong, never what went well.
• They play favourites. Some people can do no wrong, others can do no right.
• You feel smaller after every meeting. Less confident, less motivated.
• You start doubting yourself. Even in things you know you’re good at.
• Others feel it too. In my case, other people in the team felt the same way. That told me it wasn’t just me.

What it did to my confidence

This is the part people don’t talk about enough. A bad manager doesn’t only make your work harder. They change how you see yourself.

I started second-guessing my ideas. I spoke less in meetings. I wondered if I was good enough for my job. Looking back, the problem was never my ability. It was the environment.

If you feel like this right now, please hear this: one person’s opinion is not the truth about you.

How I dealt with it

1. I stayed professional

I never said anything bad to him, and I never made it a fight. I did my work, kept my standards high and stayed polite. It wasn’t always easy, but it protected my reputation, and that mattered later.

2. I kept going

I didn’t let one person stop me. I kept learning, kept delivering and kept talking to people outside my team. My work spoke for itself, even when my manager didn’t.

3. I looked for a way out, quietly

Instead of waiting for things to change, I started looking for a new role. Finding a new position is what really saved me. Sometimes the best way to deal with a bad manager is to move on, on your own terms.

4. I leaned on people outside work

Dancing, friends and travel kept me going. They reminded me who I was outside that one difficult work relationship.

What you can do if you have a demotivating manager

1. Write down facts. Keep notes of your wins, feedback and difficult moments, with dates. It helps you see things clearly, and it’s useful if you ever need to raise it.
2. Ask for clear expectations. “What does success look like for me in this role?” Put the answer in an email.
3. Find support elsewhere. A mentor, a skip-level leader, colleagues you trust or HR.
4. Protect your confidence. Keep a “wins” folder with nice messages and results. Read it on bad days.
5. Don’t fight fire with fire. Stay calm and professional. It always looks better in the long run.
6. Plan your exit. Look at internal moves or new jobs. You don’t have to stay in a situation that makes you smaller.

When to talk to HR

If the behaviour is unfair, discriminating or affecting your health, it’s okay to raise it with HR or a confidential advisor (in the Netherlands, many companies have a vertrouwenspersoon). Bring your notes and focus on facts, not feelings. And if work stress is affecting your health, talk to your doctor or your company doctor too.

What a good manager feels like

Today I have a very nice manager, and the difference is huge. I feel trusted, I get feedback that helps me grow, and I’m given chances to lead things. My confidence came back, and with it, my energy.

That’s why I always say: if you’re unhappy, look at the environment before you blame yourself. The right manager can change everything. If you’re working on your next step, my posts on asking for a raise or promotion and dealing with job rejection might help.

Frequently asked questions

How do I know if my manager is the problem?

If you feel less confident after every interaction, never hear anything positive and others in the team feel the same, the problem is probably the manager, not you.

Should I quit because of a bad manager?

Not straight away. First try clear conversations, support from others and an internal move. But if nothing changes, moving on is a healthy choice.

How do I stay motivated with a demotivating boss?

Focus on your own goals, track your wins, and get energy from people and activities outside that relationship.

Can I report a bad manager to HR?

Yes, especially if the behaviour is unfair or harmful. Bring facts and dates, and stay calm and specific.

Have you ever had a manager who drained your energy? Tell me in the comments 👇